One Last Editorial Note
I love telling people we adopted from china because we have 3 boys and wanted a girl. As if something so complex and “non traditional” could ever be such a no-brainer. As if foreign adoption is ever the “obvious choice”, especially when you can pop out bio kids with scheduled precision.
It’s a funny answer because it is so simplifying – yet actually way more complex than the real reason we did this. I woke up one morning just about 3 years ago knowing – just knowing – that the sister Ben had been asking for was in china. Can’t get much more straightforward that that.
Although I don’t think I ever imagined we’d end up here. We’ve just journeyed to what must have been the farthest point away on the planet and brought home a little girl who hasn’t been a stranger for a moment. We’ve got four kids, two big jobs, a house in the middle of a remodel. No idea how on earth we are going to get back to work next week. Plus I still have mild laryngitis, a hacking cough, and am going through about a half box of Kleenex a day. And things couldn’t be more perfect. Our family now feels complete.
One of the first things I did when I realized the quest we had to make – and the task I had to overcome to get Steve on board (No one can fault him for giving me a screwy and skeptical look when I announced my intentions) – was to go to the china adoption community on the internet and ask them the question: “Bio vs. Adopted – is it different? How? Can we do it?”. I got dozens off thought-out heart-felt replies. I know there are a number of families reading this blog thinking of making this journey as well, so I feel the need to share my opinion to these very natural questions – with the obvious bias of someone blessed enough to have formed a family by just about every means possible – self selected acquisition (Corey & Steve), bio (Ben and Grant), and adoption (Anna).
I would say that when it comes to the most important considerations there is NO difference between expanding a family biologically vs. through adoption.
THE WAIT: “the wait” is filled with the same joyful anticipation and preparation. In fact, I would say adoption offers a more extreme wait experience than pregnancy, so should be the choice of the A-type personality crowd. It’s like the X games of family expansion. At any given moment you don’t know where your child is, or if they even “are” yet. And you don’t know when it’s really going to happen. You can follow all the yahoo groups out there plotting LIDs, 2nd calls, etc etc etc and still be caught off guard when you “get the call” – the “my water broke” of the adoption world.
During the wait I was equally as cranky and scattered brained as when I was pregnant – but maybe that was just me. …ok, so maybe this is a bit of an overstatement. I never sat myself in the backseat of the car and tried to put the keys in the headrest to drive while waiting for Anna.
DELIVERY PAIN: The pain of delivery is fairly equivalent. You really won’t miss out on any of this by forgoing the bio experience. Note that this is a big thing for me to say since I had three kids with no epidurals, two of which came sunnyside up after 18+ hours of labor each. I know I commented to the other bio mom on the trip more than once that I was a sucker for thinking this was going to be less painful than giving birth. When you are sick, and exhausted in China it is hard not to long for the warm blankets and crushed ice of the Standford Maternity Ward. And there is no such thing as epidurals for a week in Guangzhou…although I could make a fortune by inventing one.
THAT “NEW PARENT” LOOK: Within 24 hours you are exhausted overwhelmed and look like shit. Same as with a newborn bio child. Cool huh?
YOUR CHILD WILL LOOK LIKE YOU: Your new child will look like you – either immediately or eventually. I know this seems weird but I kid you not. I am being 100% honest. Maybe its like one of those pet/pet owner things? But every new sister and every older sister on the trip completely matched with their family. It didn’t even cross my mind that this one 12 year old older sister was adopted, even though her mom and dad were both blond. And apparently we match Anna so well that 7 year old Meggie informed us one morning in Changsha that our baby didn’t even look Chinese (good gawd Meggie, then what the heck am I doing half way around the globe eating bad breakfast buffet in a smoke filled dining room for the 11th day in a row!!!).
YOUR KIDS WON”T MAKE ANY SENSE: Your kids will be no more of a mystery to you than if they were bio. I’ve heard many people say they “want their own” children because they want to understand why they are how they are. Anyone who knows Grant and his thick stocky build, is challenged to explain why he is like that. And anyone who has commented how Corey and Steve are so similar should make a note of the 0% overlap in DNA.
YOUR PRE-TEEN KIDS WILL MAKE LESS SENSE: When your child hits 12 they will have a pre-teen crisis. If you child is adopted from China you can guess now what that crisis will be about. If not, they will manufacture a crisis equally as challenging and probably for which there is NOT a whole community of families, loads of literature, and a booming “homeland tour” industry to help you through. (Technically this would imply that “bio kids” are the X Games of the pre-teen years and whimpy parents should consider adoption. Having just been through 25% of my pre-teen crisis allotment I am excited about “being wimpy”.)
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Your love for your baby is as instant and as unconditional and as deeply moving as if she came from your own body and your own genes. Trust me on this one.
It’s a funny answer because it is so simplifying – yet actually way more complex than the real reason we did this. I woke up one morning just about 3 years ago knowing – just knowing – that the sister Ben had been asking for was in china. Can’t get much more straightforward that that.
Although I don’t think I ever imagined we’d end up here. We’ve just journeyed to what must have been the farthest point away on the planet and brought home a little girl who hasn’t been a stranger for a moment. We’ve got four kids, two big jobs, a house in the middle of a remodel. No idea how on earth we are going to get back to work next week. Plus I still have mild laryngitis, a hacking cough, and am going through about a half box of Kleenex a day. And things couldn’t be more perfect. Our family now feels complete.
One of the first things I did when I realized the quest we had to make – and the task I had to overcome to get Steve on board (No one can fault him for giving me a screwy and skeptical look when I announced my intentions) – was to go to the china adoption community on the internet and ask them the question: “Bio vs. Adopted – is it different? How? Can we do it?”. I got dozens off thought-out heart-felt replies. I know there are a number of families reading this blog thinking of making this journey as well, so I feel the need to share my opinion to these very natural questions – with the obvious bias of someone blessed enough to have formed a family by just about every means possible – self selected acquisition (Corey & Steve), bio (Ben and Grant), and adoption (Anna).
I would say that when it comes to the most important considerations there is NO difference between expanding a family biologically vs. through adoption.
THE WAIT: “the wait” is filled with the same joyful anticipation and preparation. In fact, I would say adoption offers a more extreme wait experience than pregnancy, so should be the choice of the A-type personality crowd. It’s like the X games of family expansion. At any given moment you don’t know where your child is, or if they even “are” yet. And you don’t know when it’s really going to happen. You can follow all the yahoo groups out there plotting LIDs, 2nd calls, etc etc etc and still be caught off guard when you “get the call” – the “my water broke” of the adoption world.
During the wait I was equally as cranky and scattered brained as when I was pregnant – but maybe that was just me. …ok, so maybe this is a bit of an overstatement. I never sat myself in the backseat of the car and tried to put the keys in the headrest to drive while waiting for Anna.
DELIVERY PAIN: The pain of delivery is fairly equivalent. You really won’t miss out on any of this by forgoing the bio experience. Note that this is a big thing for me to say since I had three kids with no epidurals, two of which came sunnyside up after 18+ hours of labor each. I know I commented to the other bio mom on the trip more than once that I was a sucker for thinking this was going to be less painful than giving birth. When you are sick, and exhausted in China it is hard not to long for the warm blankets and crushed ice of the Standford Maternity Ward. And there is no such thing as epidurals for a week in Guangzhou…although I could make a fortune by inventing one.
THAT “NEW PARENT” LOOK: Within 24 hours you are exhausted overwhelmed and look like shit. Same as with a newborn bio child. Cool huh?
YOUR CHILD WILL LOOK LIKE YOU: Your new child will look like you – either immediately or eventually. I know this seems weird but I kid you not. I am being 100% honest. Maybe its like one of those pet/pet owner things? But every new sister and every older sister on the trip completely matched with their family. It didn’t even cross my mind that this one 12 year old older sister was adopted, even though her mom and dad were both blond. And apparently we match Anna so well that 7 year old Meggie informed us one morning in Changsha that our baby didn’t even look Chinese (good gawd Meggie, then what the heck am I doing half way around the globe eating bad breakfast buffet in a smoke filled dining room for the 11th day in a row!!!).
YOUR KIDS WON”T MAKE ANY SENSE: Your kids will be no more of a mystery to you than if they were bio. I’ve heard many people say they “want their own” children because they want to understand why they are how they are. Anyone who knows Grant and his thick stocky build, is challenged to explain why he is like that. And anyone who has commented how Corey and Steve are so similar should make a note of the 0% overlap in DNA.
YOUR PRE-TEEN KIDS WILL MAKE LESS SENSE: When your child hits 12 they will have a pre-teen crisis. If you child is adopted from China you can guess now what that crisis will be about. If not, they will manufacture a crisis equally as challenging and probably for which there is NOT a whole community of families, loads of literature, and a booming “homeland tour” industry to help you through. (Technically this would imply that “bio kids” are the X Games of the pre-teen years and whimpy parents should consider adoption. Having just been through 25% of my pre-teen crisis allotment I am excited about “being wimpy”.)
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Your love for your baby is as instant and as unconditional and as deeply moving as if she came from your own body and your own genes. Trust me on this one.
posted by C2K at 12:54 PM
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